Breaking Through

Today was church day and again I experienced the familiar dull irritation that has been creeping into my mind again lately. I haven't been able to figure out what the irritation has been but for some reason being at church makes it rise up in me. I've dealt with this feeling so many times on my own for many years. I haven't understood it. I just get depressed and irritated and others have pushed me away because they don't understand what my problem is. But not you. You kept talking. Somehow God has led us both to this point. I thought I was alone but then you reminded me of the miracle that is US. God put us together for a reason...you love me, you understand me, and you walk with me. You love me for who I am yet don't let me stay there...you push me to be who I am made to be. You helped me to understand this irritation with myself. I feel I am settling down into the comfort of seclusion yet again...even here where I thought I would escape it. I have a deep longing inside to live a life that matters. I feel a calling to help people and be active and accomplish things! But my personality drags me back into the shadows where I am comfortable. I don't want to interact with people. I don't want to invest my time into others. I am lazy to help because I feel it will be taken advantage of and be for nothing. My personality holds me in a prison and my calling and inner desires push me out...the two are in conflict. When I let my personality win, I feel stagnant and so irritated with myself. I feel like a pool of water in which algae and pond scum grows because it never flows and accomplishes anything. This is the irritation I feel. Perhaps I feel it at church because it's God reminding me of the desires he put inside me and how I'm ignoring them. I must change. I must push. It won't be easy...but easy is boring. You are God's greatest gift to me. Thank you my darling...for just being you. God knows us. He is working and he knows what we need to wake us from our sleep. He knows we want to make a difference and do whats right. You reminded me today that we are soulmates...and it brought tears to my eyes. Soulmates are not just two people that got together by accident. They are two people that God designed to fit each other. They are two individuals who cannot accomplish their purpose without the other. It's a beautiful miracle and I'm so excited to watch our life unfold. I love you.

What a Wonderful Day!

March 12, 2014 Wednesday

Today is a great day. I feel that we have accomplished so much. There is so much things to celebrate and be thankful for. I can say that me and my baby are truly blessed having each other. Yesterday, we were granted with a writing project and we started writing articles today. We were busy the whole day researching, writing, rewriting and proof- reading. I feel alive and excited being back to writing again. It reminds me of the old days. Plus, I am learning more and more with my baby. He is fantastic. I didn't know he is this talented with all the writing, editing and designing stuff. I am so proud. I can say that we wont be able to have this project if not because of him. With all the resume, and port folio and the bidding, he was there all the way, supporting and making it work. Thank you baby! We make a very good team. No doubt that you are far better than me and I love you for that.

So we spent the day writing and writing and writing. Then after that, we took a good nap. When we woke up, we planned to go to the beach. So we went. The sea was calm, the water felt warm, the view of the sun setting was so overwhelming. We took a brief walk and then decided to swim. Swimming was fantastic! Floating in the calm sea was so relaxing. After a while, we decided to get out of the waters and dry. Then we just watched the sun as it faded away into the vast sky. Finally, we headed back home.

Once in a Life Time

I thought love is overrated... 

 

I don't know why I just woke up suddenly at 3 am in the morning having that thought in mind. So I took my netbook and just planned to scribble my thoughts in a blog. It has been a while since I wrote something meaningful or something that is worthy of my time. I even don't know how to start cause I know this one is different. This one has been a rollercoaster brand new refreshing experience for me. It hit me with a rush. Reminiscing it made me so satisfied deep with in. And even if it was almost a month since we first met for real, I want to apologize for it took so much of a time for me to absorb that yeah its true, its really true and we are together.  One year felt like yesterday I can't fathom. The longer it goes, the deeper it felt. I know hearing a love story is a cliché, but not until you experience true love on your own. You will never know when and how someone would make a difference in your life and save you from the chaos of emotions you are stuck into.

 

I am an introvert, a person who is afraid of socialization. Afraid of people out there who only knows to condemn, to judge, to use and to manipulate others for their own personal desires. I am weak, and that makes me hate manipulation. In fact that's my weakness, I am easily manipulated and pushed by people to do something I don't want to. Giving in to them makes me despise myself. It is hard to say no, or should I say it is hard to stand up for yourself and be firm. I hate to see hurts in the eyes of people when they are rejected even if I know its for their own good most of the time. I hate being rejected myself and so I hide. I hide from people. Conversation skills is a talent I never had acquired. It is hard to accept that people force you into a responsibility for their own self survival. That is heavy. Especially if they are family or friends.

 

So that made me feel tight and trapped and unhappy. And my ultimate approach to situations and things like this, is the big word ESCAPE. I am fun of escaping. In fact, I can master the art of escape plans. =) It is the easiest thing to do. But of course it doesn't solve the problem and make it worst. I know that. But I am hard headed. It is something that is not easy to learn. I am not saying that I am slow or stupid generally, but yeah maybe I am, in that aspect of life.

 

And that made me let myself enter into a relationship where I felt used, disrespected, manipulated, shattered, and broken. I was so devastated and disappointed. It is like a big slap on my face waking me up to the reality that a perfect love story doesn't exist. It is just in the movies, or fairy tales. So I just let myself go with the flow. I kept on making myself believe that its was all ok although deep within I am dying and hurting. I just let it destroy me. I let him destroy me and I know he was enjoying it. There was a point in time that I was enjoying the chase too and embraced it like its how my life should be. It is what I am so I have to accept the fact that I need the pain to be able to survive. And the pain made me go on and be strong. Being used to hurt made me a sort of a masochist maybe. But each of the passing day, I was losing myself. To the point that I do not know myself anymore. To the point that even me look down on myself and not respect who I am as person. Even my pride and dignity as a woman was taken away from me. And it hurts because I just allow that to happen putting the blame on myself. I didn't know such a man can have a personality so rotten, mean and rude. So before I totally forget what I really am and what's my worth, again I planned an escape. And this time its big time, I escaped him and left Philippines to work in Saudi Arabia.

 

It was so funny though because instead of finding freedom I just ended up in a modern prison that made me so restricted, made me so secluded and made me so unhappy. Escaping was not so good after all. I was desperate, I didn't know what I have gotten into. But in my mind as long as I'm far, as long as I am far away from him it is good. The farther the better. I didn't mind, and I didn't care. It made my heart so cold like ice. My emotions so hidden putting a mask of happiness and lies. So I kept on lying to everyone that I am doing fine, thus it made me lie on myself even more.

 

So I kept on searching and searching for peace, for answers, for salvation. But as my bad experiences clouded my thoughts, so as made me do things easily against my own personality and belief. And life is much more easier when you don't care, when you play and when you shut yourself from the real world. So I indulge myself to online chatting and chatting and chatting. Because for me, it is a form of escape from the real world I am in. Online, I can just be anybody, I can be just be free, free to express who I am, free to say what I want to say. Free to find someone that would eventually accept me as I am.

 

But its not that easy. Online chat rooms are full of shit and mess. So I find myself being disappointed every time to the point that I gave up knowing that there is nothing in there that is worth my time. There is nothing in real in there. There is no one in there that is just lost like me looking for something deeper and meaningful. The more I search online, the more I see how shallow people are. How lost they are but not accepting the fact that they are. How destructively playful they can get without thinking of others but their own gratification. Everywhere I go, in real world and in online world, people are like that. Selfish. Mean. Crazy.

 

And that made me hate people. But the more I go on, the more it changed me to becoming something I am not. Selfish. Mean. Crazy. I cant blame people. Because in the online world, it is fun to be playful selfish, mean and crazy. So it goes on and on and on and on...

 

Until I met him. The only person I know that would ever make me feel this way. The only person that would make me feel my worth being treasured and love. The first time I laid my eyes on him, in my heart, there is a feeling that I knew he is the one. But of course, its hard to believe coz its seems so impossible to know without knowing the person better. And I was scared that it would lead me to destroying myself more and to disappointment that I am just making myself believe into something and would eventually find out that its not. But I swear, it is how I felt. It was a just a matter of time for me to prove that its really true.

 

Although falling in love feels so powerful and magical, true love doesn't work with just magic. It is when two people doesn't stop finding ways to make it work, and work hard not to let go of the feeling of falling in love. Making you fall in love over and over and over again.

 

When I met the love my life, we are both in a situation where we felt trapped, dying inside, and cold. He once told me that he thought love is overrated. I believed him that time. But as time goes by, I was totally swept off my feet that I don't see love as being overrated anymore, and so was he. We were totally in love online. And that seem questionable to many people. How can you love someone you've never seen in person, never touched, never felt never talked to in person. I know it seems kind of unbelievable but it happens. It happened to us. And with that, we found solace and magic and love. 

 

It is a long story how we struggled and survived that long distance relationship, that long of a wait to be finally together. (And I plan to document all of the memories in this blog) But it was definitely worth the wait. It was definitely so amazing and so wonderful to see him finally for the first time. To touch him, feel him, be close to him, hug him, and kiss him. It It was like a dream. A pleasurable experience I wont exchange for anything in the world and that made me know truly, he is the one. At first I cant believe we were really together. It struck me like a shock that all I want to do is to stare at his face and touch it. It is definitely a magical different feeling I would only feel once in a lifetime and I cant be more happier than this. Happy that even with all of the mess I found my purpose. And that made me appreciate even the mess in life cause without it, I wont be where I am now. I wont feel what I feel now.

 

Perfect love story doesn't exist because no one is perfect, but true love does. And it only takes true love to create the most fascinating love story of a life time. Yeah not perfect but true. And it would just hit u so hard once in a life time.