Breaking Through
Today was church day and again I experienced the familiar dull irritation that has been creeping into my mind again lately. I haven't been able to figure out what the irritation has been but for some reason being at church makes it rise up in me. I've dealt with this feeling so many times on my own for many years. I haven't understood it. I just get depressed and irritated and others have pushed me away because they don't understand what my problem is. But not you. You kept talking. Somehow God has led us both to this point. I thought I was alone but then you reminded me of the miracle that is US. God put us together for a reason...you love me, you understand me, and you walk with me. You love me for who I am yet don't let me stay there...you push me to be who I am made to be. You helped me to understand this irritation with myself. I feel I am settling down into the comfort of seclusion yet again...even here where I thought I would escape it. I have a deep longing inside to live a life that matters. I feel a calling to help people and be active and accomplish things! But my personality drags me back into the shadows where I am comfortable. I don't want to interact with people. I don't want to invest my time into others. I am lazy to help because I feel it will be taken advantage of and be for nothing. My personality holds me in a prison and my calling and inner desires push me out...the two are in conflict. When I let my personality win, I feel stagnant and so irritated with myself. I feel like a pool of water in which algae and pond scum grows because it never flows and accomplishes anything. This is the irritation I feel. Perhaps I feel it at church because it's God reminding me of the desires he put inside me and how I'm ignoring them. I must change. I must push. It won't be easy...but easy is boring. You are God's greatest gift to me. Thank you my darling...for just being you. God knows us. He is working and he knows what we need to wake us from our sleep. He knows we want to make a difference and do whats right. You reminded me today that we are soulmates...and it brought tears to my eyes. Soulmates are not just two people that got together by accident. They are two people that God designed to fit each other. They are two individuals who cannot accomplish their purpose without the other. It's a beautiful miracle and I'm so excited to watch our life unfold. I love you.
Today was church day and again I experienced the familiar dull irritation that has been creeping into my mind again lately. I haven't been able to figure out what the irritation has been but for some reason being at church makes it rise up in me. I've dealt with this feeling so many times on my own for many years. I haven't understood it. I just get depressed and irritated and others have pushed me away because they don't understand what my problem is. But not you. You kept talking. Somehow God has led us both to this point. I thought I was alone but then you reminded me of the miracle that is US. God put us together for a reason...you love me, you understand me, and you walk with me. You love me for who I am yet don't let me stay there...you push me to be who I am made to be. You helped me to understand this irritation with myself. I feel I am settling down into the comfort of seclusion yet again...even here where I thought I would escape it. I have a deep longing inside to live a life that matters. I feel a calling to help people and be active and accomplish things! But my personality drags me back into the shadows where I am comfortable. I don't want to interact with people. I don't want to invest my time into others. I am lazy to help because I feel it will be taken advantage of and be for nothing. My personality holds me in a prison and my calling and inner desires push me out...the two are in conflict. When I let my personality win, I feel stagnant and so irritated with myself. I feel like a pool of water in which algae and pond scum grows because it never flows and accomplishes anything. This is the irritation I feel. Perhaps I feel it at church because it's God reminding me of the desires he put inside me and how I'm ignoring them. I must change. I must push. It won't be easy...but easy is boring. You are God's greatest gift to me. Thank you my darling...for just being you. God knows us. He is working and he knows what we need to wake us from our sleep. He knows we want to make a difference and do whats right. You reminded me today that we are soulmates...and it brought tears to my eyes. Soulmates are not just two people that got together by accident. They are two people that God designed to fit each other. They are two individuals who cannot accomplish their purpose without the other. It's a beautiful miracle and I'm so excited to watch our life unfold. I love you.
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